Once upon a time, I was 22 years old. It was winter. It was winter and I was, like most people tend to be in the winter months, miserable. I don’t know if I was depressed, I just know that I was always tired, always crying and more often than not, I was thinking about how my life was turning out to be a disappointment. I had graduated six months prior, taken a few internships to keep myself busy, and a part-time nannying job for a three year old girl and a two year old boy, to begin paying off loans. I was living in Rhode Island with my boyfriend, James. We had met in college, dated for two years, and upon my graduation, moved into an apartment together. To say I was hard to live with would be an understatement.
You see, I had always been two things: insecure and comfortable. I say this because I need you to grasp exactly who I was – I wasn’t one thing. I wasn’t the other. I mean, for an insecure person, I actually liked myself. I did. I thought I was pretty. I thought I was smart. I thought I was a leader. A sensitive soul. A thinker, a helper, a doer. All my life, I had belonged. But, and here’s where the insecurity comes in, whenever situations arose where I felt I didn’t belong, I panicked.
I was 22 years old, and if there’s one thing that happens when you’re 22 it’s this: you stop belonging.
I felt that I had lost my anchor. I was not a student, nor was I employed. I was too old to act like a child, and not ready to be a mother. I couldn’t identify with anything, and so I cried.
Once the anchor was gone, I finally was forced to look inward. And inside, I didn’t like what I saw. I was realizing that the distractions that come with school or work or crowds of friends, get you by, but don’t leave much room for self-reflection, and ultimately, growth. But solitude – well it pushes us to live with ourselves, distraction-free. I believe that solitude arrived to save me, but it had to break me first.
I cried when James and I moved in together. I cried when I got my period three weeks a month. I cried when James didn’t tell me I was pretty. I cried when James told me I was pretty because I was sure he was only saying it now that I had instructed him to. I cried when I broke out. I cried when my friends all got jobs. I was in an anchorless boat, with nowhere to go. And so I cried.
Between tears, I decided to start a blog. I had always been passionate about words and paper. About sitting and writing exactly how I felt. I would write a piece, reread what I wrote and nod, yes, yes, that’s exactly it. That’s exactly how I feel. It always brought me comfort.
It had been awhile since I had written, and I needed to get things out of my brain and onto the paper. My little sensitive head couldn’t take it all staying inside, so out the thoughts went and better I felt.
Meanwhile, I had been becoming a firm believer in the connection between food and emotion, allergies and hormones, eating and life. A healthy belly equaled a healthy system, which equaled a healthy balance of hormones, and thus, created a happy mind. I wanted all of those things.
I wanted clear skin. I wanted to live longer. I wanted to feel healthy. I wanted to regulate my periods so that I wasn’t a hormonal nutcase all month. I wanted to be able to handle tough situations. I wanted to be a leader again. So a journey began.
This blog was born in the winter. In the dead of one of the worst winters in years. The winter of 2010-2011 when it snowed and snowed and snowed. Each month since, I’ve cleared some of that snow out. It’s been a process. It’s taken moving out and moving back in. It’s taken four jobs, and one lay off. It’s taken funny stories, delicious recipes, cute outfits, lots of adventures and so very much self-reflection.
I’m 25 now. Welcome.
To learn more about me, visit my FAQ page.
47 comments :
The Asparagus receipe has already got my mouth watering.
Love your site! I am so happy to stumble upon it!! Def. saving this one in the bookmarks! Keep up the great work and check out my blog http://www.healthfaithlove.com us primal people gotta stick together
Jenna,
Your slideshow was beautiful!
this made me laugh so hard. I am nineteen and we are strikingly similar. I look forward to…this. whatever this is
welcome Mallory!! So glad you’re here and enjoying the blog so far!
u where such a cute baby
I love your blog! I love all of your recipes, and the things you say are hysterical! My husband and I have been doing Paleo for about 6 months. He is a lot better than me, but I do my best! Like you, I am extremely sensitive to gluten and feel almost instantly sick. I have tried your pancake recipe, carrot and squash recipe! They are all so good!
I read that you have problems with your skin. I don’t know if the problem has gotten better but you should try a product line called Jan Marini. It is made for cystic acne and honestly the best I have seen out there!
Thank you Karen!! I’m going to look into that product line, always interested in learning about new products. Xo Jenna
Hi Jenna,
My name is Ralph, I enjoyed reading your blog about your mussel experience. I have how to handle mussels on my website along with recipes. Of course we always encourage creating your own ideas whereas I am the fisherman and not a chef lol. The main reason these mussels are so good is because they are All Natural and Wild. Thanks again for buying my product I appreciate your business.
Ralph Smith
I’ve just recently discovered Paleo and I’m very intrigued by it. We can be long distand Paleo friends, because I won’t have any either. (:
Welcome Katie!!! I guess my list of Paleo friends has grown since writing this, but in all honesty, I’ve met them all through this blog. So happy you fouuuund this!
Thank you! I’m SO happy too! I feel like I can really relate to your story, we have a lot in common, I’m excited to get started. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Jenna! I’m a 1988 baby who lives with a James as well! Just found your blog while researching the paleo lifestyle. My James and I are both interested in transitioning into a paleo diet and I find your blog to be the most relateable of the lot. I don’t know anyone else who does Paleo and when I told my best friend I was thinking about it, her response was, “That’s intense!” I’m a little overwhelmed at the idea of the whole thing, especially with my crazy lifestyle. Any words of encouragement that might help me get excited about eating paleo?
Lauren! I’m going to email you, okay? I’m so excited you found me. Viva la 88 babies who love boys named James!
Sounds like a plan! I’m excited I found you too! The internet is a big place and, even though I don’t believe in fate, I can’t imagine it could have been anything else that brought me to your blog.
I should also say, Jenna, we have YET ANOTHER thing in common. I was reading about your hilarious Grandpa and, go figure… my Grandpa’s name was Donald too! Unfortunately, mine is no longer alive but your amazing stories have reminded me about how funny my Grandpa was. It must be in the name.
Just thought I’d mention that one. I’m too excited to get to know you now! We have too much in common to not do so.
I was wondering if I could post the answer to your questions above on Friday’s “Dear Jenna” post. It would focus on how to Eat Paleo with a crazy lifestyle, and offer some other helpful tips I’ve picked up along the way. If you haven’t read any “Dear Jenna” posts, read this. Let me know!
http://www.paleo-project.com/dear-jenna-crossfit-concerns/
Sure you can! Would you mind linking to my blog (http://backwardsinsights.blogspot.com) in your post? I will do a post after your “Dear Jenna” linking back to you as well. Mutual advertising!
I would love to hear what you think about Paleo on-the-go and good paleo lunches to take to work. I find it’s so hard to eat paleo in fast food places and when lunch time rolls around in the office I struggle with what to get.
Excited to read your post on Friday!
Of course!
Hey Jenna,
Just fell upon your website, just recently started transitioning into paleo, loving it and love your site because I am married to a very “Italian” loving man! His mother is also a wonderful cook, my father is Italian so I am use to being around Italian food and love to cook it myself but hoping I can bridge the two eating styles and get the best out of both!!
Thanks for sharing your story,
Lori
My husbands name is James!!! Im Italian, with a huge waist size to prove it! I have struggled with food ALL my life… i have been doing paleo for only a month and i am shocked at how much better we feel! SHOCKED I found you while researching paleo. iM SO EXCITED TO HAVE FOUND you! Keep doing this great job! Making people smile is so needed today! thanks so much!
Girl, I love your new About page! My blog is a winter baby as well. Sometimes, a dark winter is what it takes to start something quite amazing
Keep on keepin on!
Thank you Stephanie!! Winter babies for life.
I think your blog is great and totally relatable! I can not wait to start reading it and checking out all the yummy paleo recipes. Im a girly girl too, but very athletic and interested in trying out the paleo diet more as well as cross fit.
Katie – thank you for the awesome comment. It came at the perfect time where I was debating writing at all. Hope you enjoy.
You are welcome! I know that feeling well, my blog is no where near as good as yours but still there are days where im like ahhh I do not want to post, but then its like yes I do! Keep up the good work!
Also, I see that you are a Stella & Dot independent stylist, me too!
I want you to know that I really connected with your blog and what you wrote about yourself and how you felt about your life at 22 years old. I’m only 20 but I can really relate to you and it was nice to read this and know that there is someone out there who is going through what I am. Thank you
Hi Janessa – I’m happy you found the blog and it’s hitting home in some ways. I say that half heartedly because I obviously am not happy that you’re experiencing that miserable blah unsettled feeling, but if this blog can bring you any comfort – i’m happy. I promise it gets better. Slowly, and with lots of self-reflection, and changing things that don’t work – it gets better. Keep your head up and email me anytime. Xo Jenna
I love reading your blog Jenna! You are a great writer and make it impossible for me to stop reading! Also, you sound super cool and I kind of wish we were best friends. Keep up the awesome blog!
Amanda I don’t know if I’m happier about the “can’t stop reading” comment or the fact that you think I sound COOL!!! I’m so not cool but I try so this works. Thank you thank you and I value your time every day reading
Have a good one xoxox
I am starting my research in Paleo life-style and I found your blog. I just wanted to say: What a beautiful soul you are! Thanks for starting this. God bless you!
Thank you Maria! Good luck on your Paleo journey – email me any time!
I’ve been reading your blog for a while because I just got into Crossfit and wanted to learn more about Paleo. Lovelovelove your blog – I read it everyday! I just read your ‘about me’ and that’s exactly how I felt after graduating last year! It’s nice to know that other people go through that confusing state too! Keep up the awesome blogging
And I live in Providence, so reading a blog based in New England is doubly exciting. Hehe.
Well in that case, I’m so glad you found me! Are you doing it at CrossFit Providence? That’s where I got my start….
Yep, Crossfit Providence! I did the boot camp last summer and was too chicken to try the main class for a while but I finally took the plunge a couple of moths ago. It’s so addictive, hehe.
I’m so glad you’re here. I’m two weeks away from 22, and my skin and my anchorless-ness sound all too similar to this. I’ve just decided to go paleo, and this blog makes me feel less like pouting and stomping and crying when I look at me and my skin too close in the mirror. (By the way, your face is lovely, and I never would’ve guessed you had skin troubles by the first few pages I read- has it gotten better?)
Hi Miranda! Keep your head up and email me anytime you want. I (as you know) have a lot of experience in this department – mainly the pouting and crying department – but I promise if change is what you seek, and if you work for it, change will happen. This is probably the only picture on the blog or the universe where I didn’t photoshop my zits. http://www.paleo-project.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/IMG_6867.jpg
I’ve just recently stumbled upon your blog and I’ve been doing a little (or a lot of) stalking. There are so many things you write as if you’re inside my head! The winter you started this blog I was in the exact same position. An ’88 baby, just recently graduated from college, feeling as if I had every opportunity in the world to do something, while the world wasn’t sharing anything. I can completely relate to the times when you say you’re happy and things are going well and equally so when you’re moody and taking it out on your boyfriend, though you know he doesn’t deserve it. Thank goodness for boyfriends who don’t hold crankiness against us! This hardly sums up what I’d like to say and there are so many things I’d like to write here, but I’ll save you from the novel! Can’t wait to keep reading.
You write beautifully, Jenna, both in style and in substance. The only limits to your potential and career are the number of hours in the day and the finite time and energy you can reasonably devote to your craft.
By way of background, so you can determine what weight to give my comments: I’m not your age, not female, not in a long-term relationship, not into fashion, not a devotee of any particular fitness or dietary lifestyle, not a native or resident of the northeast, not in the publishing industry. In short, I’m not exactly a natural fit for The Paleo Project. And yet …
I arrived here from your blog comment about the note your brother left in your bookshelves, which reminded me so strongly of my favorite poem that I had to investigate. Once here, I discovered still more insightful articulation of grand themes–belonging, self-discovery and -awareness, adventure, love–that makes great literature feel intimate and familiar to people of disparate backgrounds, experiences, and circumstances. I’m very curious about the contents of the bookshelves that prompted your brother’s note and formed some of the bases for the thoughts you express here; and given the opportunity, I’d want to discuss with you the specific things you’ve said that struck a chord with me and suggest additional materials that you might find meaningful. But that’s a conversation to be had with friends over coffee, not in a blog comment from a stranger, and I don’t want to overstay my welcome, so I’ll instead say only this–
For what it’s worth from a Midwestern lawyer in his early 30s: I get it and I’m there. More to the point, you are there and have successfully brought all of us with you. Congratulations, best of luck, and thank you (and James) for your contributions to the richness of your readers’ lives. I look forward to the day when I see your first short story in the pages of The Atlantic and your first novel on the shelves of my local bookstore.
Dexter, honestly. This was one of the greatest comments I’ve ever received. Maybe because you are so different from me and still find my writing appealing, or maybe because you took the time to write such a heartfelt response. Either way, it means so much – I’ve been thinking about it for days. Hope you’ll come back again soon. Xo Jenna
I discovered your blog a few weeks ago and am loving reading it!! I appreciate hearing about your ups and downs with regards to health and life in your early 20s, and knowing that I’m not alone in mine. Thank you for writing!
Hi Sara! Emphasis on the ups AND downs. Sometimes I read my posts and wonder if people think I’m completely insane. Either way, I’m glad you found me and are liking what you’re reading. Hope to talk soon!! Xo Jenna
I just stumbled upon your blog at the turn of the New year and felt compelled to comment–which i don’t usually do on random blogs. You have some great things going on in your life and a truly amazing way of sharing them. 25 was a great year for me and i hope it is kind to you too. Thank you for sharing and cheers to 2013!
Thank you Amy… I’ve been hearing this a lot. Looking forward to it!
Just found your blog and I found myself laughing out loud at all the crying comments. before (and even sometimes now) as i work on stress and anxiety issues I find myself in a cry-a-thon and my poor lovely supportive boyfriend is at the tail end. blogging and connection really are a wonderful therapy for vetting out our emotions. And as you’ve found, as have i, so is healthy diet
i’ll be following along here and adding you to my RSS.
btw – i’m currently curating a Mindful health series on my blog, if you’re so inclined to check it out! http://leanerbythelake.com/tag/mindful-health/
Hi Eileen – thank you so much, I’d love to check out your blog!! Thank you so much for stopping by and laugh/crying along with me. It’s nice to have people who can relate to the roller coaster … XO
When I was 22, I had my 2nd daughter and moved across the country and got a new job and new friends and a babysitter. I didn’t blog because it wasn’t invented yet