Continued from Part One.
I wish, like the movies I fall for, like the books that I read, I could pinpoint that moment, where it all came together. I wish I could write it in one chapter: this is the defining moment, this is when our lives changed, this is when we knew.
I can’t tell you everything about the exact moment my life shifted.
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“I found flights to Colorado, they’re so cheap.. should we book? How does April sound?” It’s only November, but I ask and James looks up into the air, as if mentally assessing a calendar I can’t see.
“What if I have a new job by April?” he says and I roll my eyes because we’ve been playing the what if game for so long, I no longer have a legitimate life. My life is now all part of the calendar that James mentally assesses, the one I can’t see, and try not to resent.
I tap on the keyboard, wondering what to say next. Should I be a brat, “Okay then, I’ll just go,” or should I be supportive, “Oh you’re probably right, let’s wait until your new job gives you a vacation,” or should I stare, silently.
“Let’s just book it. I can always cancel if I can’t come with you,” he finally says, and I’m glad I didn’t say anything. I’m learning to wait, to give James his time. He’s learning, too.
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“I NEED YOU TO BE SUPPORTIVE,” he raises his voice and I slam something because my voice will never sound assertive – a lifetime of mousiness and a face to go with it, has left me perpetually weak-sounding and therefore, constantly trying to slam things louder than the other person’s voice.
“I am supportive, but you’re in a tunnel, and this job is all you see, THE WORLD ISN’T STOPPING JAMES, I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.”
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We drive to New York City and James learns everything he needs to learn. I’ve never seen someone work so hard. I wonder if I have that in me. We decide no more television, no more lazy Sundays, no more wasted time. If we want to get out of here, it’s going to take sacrifice and I need to be okay with that.
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The interviews sandwich themselves around a week of SWAT training and I spend three weeks in silence, tiptoeing around my own life, wondering if it will all be worth it. He doesn’t have time to workout, or cook, or open the blinds, or do anything but study, and focus, and think, and pace. I eat at the counter and paint my nails in the bathroom and read books and I try to be quiet and I try to be supportive. He doesn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, we decide to keep it to ourselves. So, I rearrange my closet and put flowers in vases and wipe the back-splash in the bathroom and make cookies that he doesn’t have time to eat.
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I can’t tell you everything about the exact moment my life shifted. But I will try. It was a Friday afternoon in March, around 6 pm and the sun was incredible in my bedroom. It had been a long week, a long few months, a long three years, really. I stood in the doorway of our bedroom and looked from one window to the next. I always loved this bedroom, though it was much too small for our furniture, I liked that it had two doors and that both doors had locks.
If added up, I might have spent two years, of the last three, sleeping alone. James would leave for work at 10:20 pm if he was on time, 10:25 if he was running late, and I’d already be in bed. He’d yell from the front door, “Babe, don’t forget to lock up,” and he meant come lock the deadbolt of the front door. What he didn’t know, was that after he left, I would run and lock the deadbolt, then run to the back of the house and check the other door, then run back to the bedroom and lock myself into the room, before hopping back into bed. He didn’t know this because they were unlocked by the time he got home each morning, me already out of bed and in the shower. He didn’t know this because I never saw much point in telling him.
As I stood in the doorway on this Friday in March, I could see the street and cars and yellow lines on the road and tree branches and hear the sounds of strangers yelling and engines and sirens and birds out the window to the right. James always hated living on a busy street. Sleeping during the day on the busiest street is as bad as it sounds. We always wished for a yard with a garden on a quiet street. I once tried to grow tomatoes on the front porch but wound up with two red raisin-sized fruits, “When we have a yard and a garden, they’ll turn out,” he said.
Out the window straight ahead, I could only see brick. How many times had I stared out this window and looked at that brick house in three years? How many more times would I have to?
I lay on my back, close to the window so that when I looked up, I could see only sky and I waited.
I felt my chest rise and fall, willing my heartbeat to regulate. I checked my phone six times: swiping the screen, seeing nothing change but perhaps the passing of a minute, then I would lock the phone and put it under my pillow. Repeat.
I asked time to move faster, but decided this was a good time to be alone. I needed these moments, in this room, with these doors I knew best and these windows I knew most. This was the first place I lived with a guy. This was the place I hated the most, but learned the most about love. These walls heard me cry and these floors felt me fall.
I’m not big on prayer, but this house felt me pray.
As I looked up to the sky, I wondered if maybe, they were about to be answered. Too afraid to let my guard down, I just asked one more time. I asked for the same thing I’ve asked for these past three years, since that first day in the shower all those summers ago, since that first winter that felt like it would never end, since the July I left and the November I came back.
The sun shone on my forehead and I heard a car door slam outside of the house. I heard footsteps, then door creaks, then keys jingle. I heard the deadbolt turn, then the smaller lock.
The door opened and I closed my eyes.
Please.
“I got the job,” he said, “we’re going home.”
Thank you.
“I start the day we get back from Colorado.”
46 comments :
Yippee!!! Congratulations to James! I am so happy for both of you. Much Love, Mom
you are such an amazing writer. i felt like i was drinking coffee with you while you were telling the story. granted, i am drinking coffee at my desk, but you know what i mean.
i’m so happy for james! and you!!
xox
well dammit if this isn’t such a beautifully crafted story! i am really happy for you both–I know y’all have wanted this for so long, so it’s thrilling that it’s finally going to be real!!!! now, if i could only get kyle to feel this way about going back to texas. #never
beautiful writing! congrats to James! (and you of course) How amazing is it that he starts the day after CO? I have always been a big believer in timing. Now, I can’t wait for more info.. xoxoxox lots of love L
Jenna, I am a terrible blog commenter (I never take the time to do it) but I wanted to tell you that this is some of your best writing and I can’t wait to read more!
Kerri – thank you so much. I will probably be conforming the blog into more of a writing space in the next few months and I’m glad you enjoy it!
Happy tears for you!!! Jenna you are such an amazing writer! The above comment is true for me too-felt like you were sitting here telling it to me in person. I have never met you but I am just so excited for you and James!
You really are the greatest Hilary! Thank you for all your encouragement this year!
I’m so excited! Congrats JAMES!
And JENNA! Love you!
THIS IS THE BEST ENDING TO PART TWO! I can’t wait for part three in the future
WELCOME HOME j&j
YES! I can’t even wait to reunite the boys.
I know…I think Steve was almost more excited than I was
I actually teared up reading this. and this is one of my favorite songs ever. Love your writing to no end.
Oh Katie, you are so kind. I was listening to the song while I was writing the post and it was making me cry so I decided to add it to the post since it was my muse.
How wonderful. My heart is happy for you. Congrats to James and bravo to all of your hard work!
Thank you Alicia, thank you so much! The hard work is all him, I’m just here, crying, eating cookies.
So, SO happy for you!! xo
And big congrats to James!
It’s our time, Layla!!!
SO HAPPY for you guys! This couldn’t have been any better. I shed a few tears reading this, mostly because I am so so so happy for you. WELCOME HOME! xox
It was my birthday present to you, I’M COMING HOME. XOXO
you made me cry. Congrats!!
Thank you, Aunt Barbara!! Love ya
I love your writing and I love this good news.
Thank you and THANK YOU!
Happy.
Beautiful words, beautiful you.
Cheers to new beginnings. You both deserve it. Yay!
Xo.
I’m excited to live closer to my sweet Anna!!!
Jenna, this is beautifully written – so honest, without the omission that lots of writers employ when discussing their relationships. My boyfriend moved across the country to live with me, and I see his struggle in your story. Thank you!
Hopefully he handles it a little better than I do – it’s always hard making sacrifices but I think it usually makes the adjustment feel that more monumental! Good luck to you both and thank you for reading!! Xo
Congrats, Jenna!! Your writing is beautiful.
Thank you Danielle! I’m so excited.!
Congratulations to you both! This was so beautifully written, I was so nervous and anxious towards the end of the post. So happy for you! I can’t wait to hear more about your exciting journey. New beginnings are a wonderful thing.
I can’t wait to write more and see how the blog transitions from this chapter to the next, thanks for reading along Deshika!
Congrats Jenna! I’ve been reading for a long time but I rarely comment. This is so beautifully written and I’m so happy for you both. I can’t wait to hear more!
Well your comment made my day!! I am looking forward to it and excited to share more
YAYYY!!! congrats to both of you! so exciting
Thank you, Lizz! XOXO love you
Wow! WOW!!!! Where to start? Congratulations to James for all his hard work and keeping his eye on the prize. Congratulations to you, Jenna, for all your hard work and struggle and faith in James and his goals. Insert happy dance here* for both of you!
And P.S., wonderful writing. As I read, I thought, this is like a novel. A really good novel. Someday you will have the entire book! So happy for you. For you both!
P.S.S. Please autograph my first edition hardback of your first novel!
Yes, you will get a first edition because you’ll be at my book signing. Thank you so much for reading Gayla, I’m very excited about all of this!!
So beautifully written. you are really a talented writer!
Rhonda- thank you so much!
I love this so much because I too am living in a place I hate with a guy I love more than anything. I am so close to finding my way back to happiness and so glad you found yours! Congrats!
Sending you lots of strength and support and hoping your good news comes soon!! Xo
Your writing really reaches my soul – your writing actually fills my heart, so much emotion and so much intensity for such a young woman – absolutely amazing. Thank you for doing what you do.
Oh Maureen – this comment is so thoughtful. Thank you for taking the time to write it.
I got goosebumps reading this on Friday. So incredibly happy for you both and I hope you are able to continue fulfilling all of your dreams together in a place that you both love!