I always feel strange when I’m consistently happy for an extended amount of time. That’s probably not a normal way to live, to be suspicious of your own happiness. I distinctly remember feeling a similar way and then writing a similar post last January. January 27th, to be exact. It was a post about financial security and being in love and appreciating Providence finally and feeling content in my job. I was laid off on January 31st. Just three days after writing it. For the next four months, I found myself stripped of all those things I had worked so hard for, all those things I had just thanked the world for. I collected unemployment, resented James, hated the city I felt trapped in and nothing felt right. It was a very long spring. I felt like I was being punished.
One time, or maybe seventeen times, James said, you won’t let us be happy. I didn’t know what he meant. I do now. I have always been scared of too much happiness, scared of feeling too good, because the more you have, the more you have to lose. I would start fights when we were too happy, so that I wouldn’t get to used to the idea of being happy. So that happiness would never have a hold on me and in return, I’d never have too good a hold on happiness. That’s really the saddest thing I’ve ever admitted.
This is my open letter to the universe, in which to say, I’m accepting this happiness and I hope you return the favor. I’m sorry for all those years of neglect.
16 comments :
i’m pretty sure I have this exact same problem and didn’t realize until you just put it into words. but life does have a funny way of really bringing you down as soon as you sit back and say “i’m so freaking happy!” i suppose that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy those moments when they’re here. thanks for the reminder!
I totally hear you on this. When I’m happiest, I want to appreciate it, soak it all in, and not take anything for granted, while another part of me gets anxiety from all the happiness. Cheers to being happy about being happy!
This is a great post, and totally makes sense. Sometimes it feels like surrendering to happiness could “jinx” it somehow. I think it’s definitely important to appreciate the good times.
I do this too. Mine is more of a guilt…”If I’m happy while someone I love is upset, I’m a terrible person” or “If I’m happy now, I’m going to use it all up and something terrible will come crashing down on my future head.” Makes no sense when you put it into words, does it? And yet you have to do that, or else the shapeless lurkiness of it will never leave you alone. So, bravo on doing that
last year was a HARD-never ending spring for me too. lets make this one the best-spring-ever.
yes yes yes YES! i do the same silly cycle. i’m too afraid of spending money on things that make me happy (improv classes! date nights with the boy! silly socks!) and just drive myself into a stupid little hole of poop and sad and angst. i’m afraid of happy things ending, but things ending is such a normal thing to have happen, and it doesn’t mean your happiness ceases, it just means the next pot of joy in front of you can be opened. i’m so with you, sisterfrand.
Wow, this really struck home with me. I think I do the same thing too and it must be endlessly frustrating to my husband. It’s asinine that I still shield my heart from too much happiness and attachment because someone else broke my heart years ago. Yet that’s exactly what I do. I get scared when I get too attached to someone or something and I push it away and try to figure out ways that it’s not perfect.
I think your post today has been good therapy for me.
Hmmmm…I can’t even count how many times I have said to my husband, “why can’t you just let us be happy?”…echoes of James…I know from many years of marriage that the anxiety you mention is very real to the person experiencing it, even if it doesn’t make sense to the person living with you. But it is also extremely frustrating for the person who loves you. It robs you both of all the little special moments of each day.
Life is a roller coaster, throw your hands in the air and squeal with delight on the ups, and know in the lows that another up is coming soon.
I’m glad you are choosing to embrace happiness!
It’s a little scary how you literally verbalized what I have done in the past over and over again. I ruined a (not so great) relationship like that. i made it very clear i didn’t need him, that I could leave at a moments notice, and i never wanted to fully trust him or actually be happy because then once it ended (and in my mind, it would, everything ends) I wouldn’t be sad.
love this post jenna and can absolutely relate! also love your photo of the red door house in newport… it’s my favorite!
Thank you, Becky! Thank you for reading – I miss Newport and all it’s charm!! Hope you’re well.. XOXO
I feel like this is a normal feeling, I used to feel that way all the time. i’ve found that it dissipates as you get older. you get comfortable in your happiness.
Love this post! totally understand. you feel good then bam…but maybe if we just stop thinking about it and just live, the cycle will break
This is wonderful. I love you!
I know what you mean, little lady. I felt like I was being “punished” summer through much of fall this last year, and felt stupid that I’d let myself embrace the complete and utter happiness I’d had for so long. BUT, as I’ve come to realize, you HAVE to let yourself embrace and just be…. otherwise, you’re alone in a tunnel and can’t see the goodness around you (no matter how long they last).
Such a touching post. thanks for opening up and sharing this side of yourself. i’ve dealt with similar issues when it comes to happiness and trust in a relationship. i’m with someone now that would give me the world if he could, but for yearssss I was in toxic relationships and with unfaithful men. i came out of those experiences truly believing that no one could love me or be faithful, or make me feel happy. or too, that i deserved to feel that. some things take time.